Heart2Heart

edosianorchids901:

spaceprince-joshua:

thelanabo:

lesbianshepard:

lesbianshepard:

back when i was suicidal in high school the tiniest things would make me want to kill myself but also the most trivial things would stop me

i remember looking at a bottle of sleeping pills and going “i’m going to kill myself. i’m not going to get out of this town. i’m not going to be able to get into a good college” and then i would go “but wait! if you die tonight, you won’t be there when they invent time travel. what if you die tonight and aliens land tomorrow and you miss it. the entire world would change and you would miss it.” “ah, yes. good point. i’ll wait until next week to die. once i’m dead i’m dead, so i can wait a little longer to see if something cool happens before then.”

it never did but it brought me back from killing myself until i started seeing a psychologist and got on antidepressants 

people are re-blogging this and i dont mind b/c they’re relating to it so that’s nice if it’s helping ppl understand

the whole “you have so much to live for!” idea was nice and well intentioned, but i felt like people were just spouting bullshit at me because i didn’t. i didnt have any friends or dates or talents.  i had nothing to really live for.

but things like “oh, well if you die now you won’t be able to find out who jon snow’s mother is” did help. because i went “oh, well i’ll finish this book to figure out if my theory is right first.” because i was going to die anyway so a few more hours wouldn’t hurt and by the end of the book i felt less suicidal. 

also years later i found out i was right about my theory. 

This exact thing has helped me so much. Things like, “Well you can’t now because it’s Thanksgiving and you’ll ruin it, wait until after” “well now it’s almost Christmas so do it next year” “Well you can’t before you see how Game of Thrones ends” “Think of all the cats you haven’t pet yet” the trivial things have always helped me more than the whole, “people will miss you, you have so much to live for”

Find something to make you hold on a little longer, even if you take it hour by hour or day by day. Even if it’s just something like, “Well if I die tonight I won’t get to eat my leftover Chinese food tomorrow” it helps.

this post needs more notes and attention!

This is exactly how I talk myself into sticking around. I have art to make, shows to watch, books to read. I used “I can’t read Enigma Tales if I’m dead” to get me through about six months worth of hell. Once that was released, I found more little things. Right now, it’s mostly that I have a list of art I want to make, and the world needs more art.

I was once in that place. One day back in 2017 I was on an overseas trip to Thailand for school; I experienced a very bad nervous breakdown / suicidal episode there and I managed to not walk into traffic or otherwise kill myself because I remembered the very first place where I ate in that country.

I remembered that the pad Thai tasted very good, and I knew I thought about going back there to eat it again at some point.

Apparently someone’s cooking was good enough to save someone’s life, in this case, it was mine.